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Well, on the one side, "not presuming", then after the fact it's a massive TOLDA YA from your guts as you saw that coming from miles. And not only avoidant behaviors mind you. When two friends have grown past a friendship, well, never getting a phone call or a text means just what it means.

So, is this why I can't get an answer from my avoidant ex about whether or not it's okay to send him my usual birthday card? I keep him in my prayers and send him a card every year because he has not close family and it's a nice thing, I feel, to do. I will ask him beforehand if it is allright to forward him a card because I don't want to be a disruptive force in his life, but he doesn't answer. He doesn't say, "No, don't send it"; he doesn't say one way or the other. So, I send it. Once, I even got him to say 'thank you'. Meanwhile, there have been several times when he's come by my house and just talked for hours at a time, or came over to fix something simple and spent two days on it. Then, he'll ghost me afterwards. Is all this why he behaves this way? Because his trauma doesn't allow him to move forward or fall back completely?

So, who do these people marry? Are they just roaming through life by themselves unless and until they get some sort of professional help?

I get you about the time line. You're saying that if it's been less than a few months, then there's probably no regret. Let me tell you, though, that I have an avoidant ex who has come back several times and we weren't together but maybe four months. In my mind, I'd love to be his friend, I'd be okay with that, but when he comes around and we spend a little time together, he seems to get scared if I even ask him a question like, "How you doing today" or "Could you tell me how I could fix my tv"? Dude would come to my house intending to fix just one thing that would ordinarily take no more than an hour and stay ten hours, then come back the next day and stay ten more hours fixing some other stuff. THEN, when I'd call him to thank him again for the effort, he'd get angry that I was bothering him and stop talking to me. He told me once that he was a shut-down person and that was the most honest or revealing thing he'd ever said. His parents traumatized him greatly, so I see where all his stuff comes from and I forgive alot because I have forgiveness to offer. It doesn't bother me to show grace towards others in need of it.

You gotta know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away and know when to run 🏃

I hear you. I'm not sure I'm all in with your definition of attach and detach, but I get the essence. One may have to go through the fire to get to the peaceful place of security within one's self, and just doing what society would have you to do, which is 'treat folks the way that they treat you', does resemble more of a trauma response than a forward-moving life mantra. I agree with that and I'm glad to hear it come from someone other than myself.

Now, you've said something here. You've defined a secure person's response in the way that ' do but others around me don't. I live by the mantra, "Who do you want to be?" Meaning that in the face of all manner of behavior towards me, how do I choose to show up in my character, my intergrity and my grace from God. This means that as a secure person who chooses to be on the side of good, carrying myself with a sense of pride in how my family raised me, it doesn't bother me to show kindness towards my ex who is an avoidant. He doesn't talk to me, but I know he gets my occasional text messages (after no contact period) and feel that one day, when he's ready, he'll respond. And then again, maybe he won't. If that turns out to be the case, atleast I'll know that I didn't push, I didn't blame, I didn't complain that he didn't respond in a timely manner, I just went on with my life.

Very informative. Would like to know how a secure would behave with an anxious preoccupied

Great info! Thanks for the book recommendation.

Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out

Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out

Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out

Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out

Sad they only show this during the beginning.

1 yr together and after 6 mo. space my friend DA still needs space and blames me for being demanding. all I wanted was her to be there as im jobless and interview practise with me. we're girlfriends. does this change the dynamics?

Damn, this really conjures moments.

Worst people to be in a relationship with. Brutal

They can be a nightmare

My ex sent unsent in messenger. I wasnt able to read it, I have no idea how to react or should I react at all. I need advice for this please.

Better let the FA come back on his own? He fleed, too overwhelmed, said he was only hurting me (not true, we both made some mistakes and I told him this several times as he kept saying it was his fault, we have/had a strong bond and strong feelings and being vulnerable a lot), in real NC since 26 days (in these 3 months he has reappeared 2 times in the first month for a brief greeting and still emotional; then after 1 month stopping in the middle of the roundabout staring at me 😅 and then few days later we had a small "argument" face to face and he was cold & then 4 days later he reappeared after having received a gift with a note I had for him since april but couldn't handle stopping & just said hi with his hand). He is a great guy after all, just too wounded, and we still care about each other & even start back as friend would be ok

Thank you ❤️

Is there an avoidant person that actually feels that they posess a "themselves"?? Mine ran from every element of themself, using substances to keep "the self" as numb as humanly possible. If you asked me in everday terms, there was no self, only chaos and self sabotage.

Thanks for the vid man. My ex is rebounding with my oldest "friend". We were a group and they got on well but always at parties. Does the rebound being with someone she knows change the likelihood of rhw rebound not working? They have known each other for years now, but as i say, only in the party context from when we used to do that together. Im kinda disgusted with my friend tbh. Barely 2 months broken up and hes leaping into my grave. Love your relaxing voice btw. Peace

A DA i know needs to change they are a addict and alcholic, in denial. DA lack of emotion will keep them in denial. Emotion is buried, that does not work in recovery.

My gf broke up with me because I was saying some weird stuff to her, like you are not a priority and gym is a priority. I was not giving her too much time recently for the last 4 months, telling her that I was moving out and then She decided to end it, and now I regret everything. I want to do whatever it takes to make her happy and get her back. She was deeply in love with me ONE of my biggest mistakes was she wanted to meet my parents and I did not let that happen for 4 years I have never been loved by someone like her. advice what to do

Never saw it coming 😢

Coach, you channel is awesome! You break things down well ))

Ty so much.

Very much so, u don’t need to hear any explanation just accept what it is and let it go. When a person shows u who they are believe them. Good better best 🙏🏾

AW MAAYU DIAY NAAY CO WORKER NYA SA SCHOOL ALAE.

When they get pregnant by another guy in only 3 weeks

To control manipulate and try to control no I'll be alone amen have a blessed night❤❤❤

This interview was soo so useful! I'm anxious avoidant and my husband is avoidant. I've learned about all the attachment styles, but to hear it like this, so vulnerable, was so great!

Thank you, well said. Is there something I can do besides journaling?..

Please DO NOT trust me less that 90 days in with your drama dumping. If you choose not to go to therapy, that’s your business & hurdle.

I truly love how u explained this matter without it being long drawn out just accurate straight too the point and meaningful. Thank u because this summed up my ex to the core. He is all of the above I don’t hate him in actual fact I forgive him for his behaviour because he is hurting more than me deep down, when he got so close to me I could see him backing away through fear and I cannot keep nurturing and reassuring someone I was starting to question me and losing my self worth so I am glad for the outcome although it hurt like hell.

valid points - thank you for sharing the check list of dealing with the DA!!

I am not her savior.

Exactly! They run from love, intimacy and commitment and they don’t have partners, they have supplies for attention/validation.

Amen

Right

Yep as an avoident woman whos walking with God i have come across so many narc men who seem to latch onto my too fast im seeing red flag after red flag they cant play me because ive already detached from that situation to protect my spirit. Walk with God and He will never fail you

I had to laugh because I knew that I wasn't the issue when he ghosted me. He had literally told me that I was perfect the day before and he meant it with so much softness in his voice. Then he stopped talking to me for 7 months. I tell you, perfection will get you dumped every time if your person doesn't trust easily. But we're healing together. I had to accept that fear is real. I'm an Aries. So we just bend things to our will and rarely pre-think or worry about consequences. I've actually had to slow down and accept that hesitancy, forethought and patience are sometimes valid responses to getting what you want. As you can tell from that last sentence, I am far from perfect. Yet, I am perfect for him.

All of this is truth!!

Thank you for your videos! You have a beautiful, gentle way of describing the situation that invites kindness for both people involved. Thank you!

As a FA, I 💯 agree

Thanks coach. You already in no contact might as well take a chance. If they don’t respond accordingly, delete and move on for good.

I like that you and Personal Development School actually speak for avoidant and make content so we could understand the attachment style rather than being dramatic and saying : stay away from them. Avoidant are humans as well and suffering from their attachment (I guess😅?)